Yesterday in class John Friend said-- “Downward facing dog... now make your hands strong, grip the floor with your finger pads in total commitment to your practice and as a sign of honoring your teacher (meaning anyone who has been an inspiration in your life). He continued... “ Out of hundreds of applicants you were specifically chosen to attend this training-- you are worthy to be here! Know that it is your dharma to claim your space at this training and claim your place in the world.” I could feel a current of fear shoot up my spine because worthiness is something I have been working on my whole life. And, even though I have been teaching for almost 10 years there are still times I get nervous and think-- what the heck am I doing leading the class? I know these thoughts stem from my childhood but on some level they are still alive in me. It is similar to someone giving you a complement and then saying to yourself “ah, they must be blind!” or “they are just saying that to be nice”. This self doubt acts like a poison that eats away at us from the inside.
When John spoke yesterday his words triggered the seed of unworthiness in me and laid it out on my mat for me to practice on-- all day long. At first I resisted, an old habit of mine that I know does not work, then I turned to the quiet place inside of me that whispers the truth of who I am. With trust I allowed the discomfort to surface; the sweating, the heat and shortened breath but I stayed with it. By the end of the day I felt joy creeping in because I know these times of discomfort are golden invitations to transform the patterns that limit me. And, that the path of yoga has the power to send the stone walls built around my heart tumbling to the ground in one day. I knew that by allowing the discomfort its full expression that I would be liberated with each drop of sweat and tear that hit my mat. This process went on like a wave inside of me for 2 hours. Finally, by the end I felt more spacious and my breath deepened. I felt more alive and a fullness inside my heart like it was vibrating out of my chest. I felt humble and at the same time I felt a sense of worthiness bubbling up inside. “Whoa-yah, thank you spirit...now were talking!” I said to myself. The next day I showed up again on my mat... ready to do it all over and open up to the mystery of what I would find this time. ~Namaste Sienna
